Winter Wonderland
by Relics
Summary: AxS fluff. Seras loves snow. Alucard doesn't. So what happens when she drags him out into it? An all out snowball war!
1. Rude Awakening

**Fluff is AWESOME! I'm so glad my other Hellsing story did so well, I hope this one does also -shoots fist in the air- ALUCARD AND SERAS FLUFF FOREVER!**

**...And one more thing: I know that it ain't christmas time anymore...But it's VERY cold, and icy, so I say WHY NOT!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing. Which is good. Because I would do insane things to Alucard and he couldn't do ANYTHING about it.**

**Note: And I don't REALLY know if it does snow in London or not, or how much, so please bear with me. For the story's sake.**

* * *

_Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'  
In the lane, snow is glistenin'  
A beautiful sight, we're happy tonight  
Walking in a winter wonderland-_**Winter Wonderland**

* * *

"Master?" 

No reply.

"..Master?"

No reply.

"...Maaaaaster? Master Alucardddd...?" Slowly, **very** slowly, the lid to Alucard's coffin opened and a pair of very red and very furious eyes glared knives at her. "Umm...I'm sorry to wake you up...But..uh.." The lid opened more, revealing more of the elder vampire, who looked at her with murder in his eyes. It startled her into silence, which at that current moment in time, was the wrong thing to do.

"**What do you want, Police Girl!"** He snarled very lowly, growling. He'd been sleeping very peacefully, having a wonderful dream about ripping Father Anderson to shreds, but it could not have been more than an hour until sunset. Seras didn't sleep as much as him, but that gave her no reason to wake him up. He glared at her with more force, growling louder.

"You don't have to be so grumpy!" She protested weakly, gulping. She hadn't wanted to wake him up, God knows how grumpy he could be, but she just couldn't wait until he had woken up. "I just had something to tell you!"

"And it couldn't wait until evening?" He groaned, slumping into the coffin. She gulped again. "Well, get on with it, I'm already awake..."

She nodded, again hesitating for a moment. "..Master..." She suddenly smiled. "It's snowing outside!"

**SLAM! **The coffin door was quickly pulled shut with such force that the whole room seemed to vibrate. Seras blinked and stard at the coffin. "M-Master!" She cried, knocking on the top. "Come on, don't act like this!"

"You woke me up to tell me it was **SNOWING!**" came his muffled reply, his voice rising when he said the word. "That couldn't wait until I was **AWAKE!"**

"Sir Integra said that it doesn't snow this much in London!" The blonde protested, frowning. "And she said that the last time it did, you slept all the way through it!" Seras herself never got to see snow very much, since she lived in the city almost all of her former life, but since the Hellsing Manor was in the country, she was able to see it. And she loved snow.

Alucard didn't reply, growling instead. He had a nagging feeling at what Seras wanted, and there was no possible way that he was going to agree to it. No fricking way. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. He'd bow down and lick Walter's shoes before doing it.

"...I know what you want, and the answer is no," He growled, and she frowned again.

"But, Master..!" She said, her voice gaining a slightly whiny edge that she knew grinded on his nerves. "We have nothing else to do! We're both bored, there haven't been any attacks for almost a month, and you've been moping around!" At this, the coffin lid creaked open enough to again show her Master's glowing red eyes. She was practically begging him now.

"No," He said again, his voice like stone. "End of discusssion." He slammed the coffin lid shut again, but Seras didn't leave. She glared at the coffin, thinking very hard before getting an idea.

"Oh, I get it," She said in a smug tone. She turned, hearing the creaking of the coffin lid. She didn't turn around, shrugging. "You're being cowardly." Normally, she would have lost a body part for saying something like that. Normally, she wouldn't have dared saying something like that. But she was feeling very bold, as she had as of late, and she really wanted her Master to come see the snow. It may have been a childish whim, but she couldn't help it; It was just the way she felt.

The coffin lid almost flew off as Alucard sat up, looking at her. "What did you say?" He demanded, his eyes glowing softly. She flinched internally but did not turn around to look at him.

"You're too cowardly to see the snow. You're probably scared of getting hit by a few snowballs." She again shrugged. "Oh well. Sorry to have interupted your sleep, Master." _Bingo...That should get him..If there's anything that Master has a lot of, it's pride..._

Seras started walking away, but Alucard swiftly climbed out of his coffin and phased in front of her. She stopped, looking at him with no fear, while he was studying her very intently, looking for anything that may betray her words. But, he didn't find anyway. "...A coward?" He said softly, suddenly smirking. "...Snowballs? Heh, you must be crazy, Police Girl..I fear nothing. And certainly not little bitty bits of ice." His smirk grew. "But I'll humour you. I'll go out and see this snow that you seem to love so much."

Seras suddenly hugged his neck tightly. "Thank you, Master!" She cried out happily, smiling at him. He was too shocked at her outburst to do much of anything. She let him go and grabbed his hand, pulling him along. "Come on, let's go, Master!"

* * *

**If it's short, gomen ne! If Alucard's OOC..GOMEN NE! o.O And if Seras seems a little too hyper...Blame all the sugar I'm drinking. -worships pepsi- Anyways, please read and review, so I'll know you're out there. I swear this will get funny...n-n Promise. Adios!**


	2. Snowballs

**O.O I got reviewed by EternalSorrow...-explodes- SUGOI! XD! I LOVE YOUR STORIES, THEY INSPIRE ME-goes off into chibi fangirl mode-**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hellsing...YET. -cocks shotgun-**

* * *

_Gone away is the bluebird  
Here to stay is a new bird  
He sings a love song, as we go along  
Walking in a winter wonderland-**Winter Wonderland**_

* * *

If you just happened to be at Hellsing at the current moment in time, you would have seen a short blonde woman dragging a tall man in a red trenchcoat. You may start to chuckle, covering your mouth discreetly and smiling . You would of course do this because you had no idea who that couple was, what they were, and what one was plotting to do to the other. But this really didn't matter. Because the soldiers of Hellsing were laughing anyway. And it seems that Alucard's glares were losing some of their effect since the soldiers just kept right on laughing as his fledgeling happily dragged him along to the front doors. 

_They are going to get it when I'm through with this..._ He thought, stifling a sigh as they walked through the huge front doors. Sure enough, they were greeted by snow. And a LOT of it. It was far as he could see and very deep, coming up to his knees. It came up to Seras' waist. She started giggling and marching through it, letting go of her Master's hand.

"Come on, Master!" She called over her shoulder. "And you can't tell me that it's cold since we both know we can't feel it!" Alucard rolled his eyes, stifled another sigh and walked after her, his hands in his pockets.

"We've see it, can we go back in now?" He asked moodily, glaring at the white enemy that denied him the sleep he wanted and caused the Police Girl to temporarily lose her mind. Seras smiled brightly and shook her head.

"Come on, Master, it isn't bad at all!" She said, stretching her arms and putting them on the back of her neck. "I've never seen so much snow!"

"Well, I have." He crossed his arms and glared at her, though again, it didn't have much effect and only seemed to make her smile wider. She turned her back to him and trotted onward, giggling, while her Master flirted with the idea of scaring her half to death the next time she tried to sleep. But instead, he followed along, grudgingly.

Seras had stopped and stooped down, scooping up some snow in her hand. "Master?" She said, balling up the snow and hiding it, smiling sweetly over her shoulder. "How fast are your reflexes?"

"Why do you ask?" He replied, not paying much attention to her. When Seras didn't answer he looked up. "..Police Gi-"

**WHAM!**

The next thing Alucard knew, he had a mouth full of very cold snow. It suprised him so much that he actually jumped and pulled out his gun as a reflex action. He was about to shoot and came very close to when he heard Seras laughing very hard. He spit out the snow and growled at her, extremely annoyed. He opened his mouth to say something and again got hit by a very large snowball.

_Police Girl!_ He shouted silently in her mind. _What are you trying to pull?_

_I thought you knew, Master!_ She innocently replied, laughing out loud. _This is a snowball fight! And you are losing! _She started running away, still laughing while her Master spit out the snow again, put his gun up, and took off after her. He easily caught up with her, no contest there, except he got hit with ANOTHER snowball when he did. This was growing very annoying very quickly. Not only was his weak fledgling actually making a fool out of him, he hadn't even retaliated yet.

This simply wouldn't do.

Alucard started smiling his Ha-Now-You're-Going-To-Get-It-For-Making-A-Fool-Out-Of-Me insane smirk. Seras giggles didn't disappear, but they were much softer than before. She was out of snowballs, and Alucard was right there, so making another was out of the question. So instead, she just smiled and backed up as he crept closer, his grin growing.

"Uhhh...Master?" She asked, backing up againist a tree. "May I ask what you're doing?" She was still giggling but didn't like the look in her Master's crimson eyes. And certainly didn't like that grin of his. Nothing very pleasant followed afterward. A little voice inside of her scolded her actions, but another part, one that didn't show itself a lot, couldn't wait to see what was about to happen. It was kind of exhilarating, catching her Master off guard.

Alucard put his hands on both sides of her so she couldn't get away and put his face very close to hers. "What do you THINK I'm going to do?" he asked, chuckling softly. Seras just smiled, gulping slightly. "I can't belive that you hit me witha few snowballs...You have more backbone that I thought..."

"Thank you, Master," She said humbly, smiling more. They just smiled at each other before Seras bent one leg. And kicked the tree behind her. Hard. Almost instantly, an avalanche of snow fell on top of Alucard, covering and pinning him to the ground. The blonde started laughing and jumped over the large mound, smiling brightly as she made another snowball. That one probably just cost her a limb, but she didn't care; This was more fun than she had in ages.

Alucard, on the other hand, didn't agree with this statement, seething and raging silently under the white blanket. He growled and sat up, throughly drenched, glaring at his chipper fledgling. "Police Girl?"

"Yes, Master?"

Alucard burst fully from the snow and lunged at her, putting on an insane smirk. Seras yelped happily and ran away, pelting him with more snowballs. "RUN. NOW."

* * *

**o.o Not done yet. xx It would be, but I'm a little bit busy with school at the moment. Thanks to all who reviewed. Check out me newest fic, "Matchmaker, Make Me a Match!" It's not going to be done for V-Day unfortunately...But it is funny! Adios!**

**I'll update soon, I swear! And this little snowball fight is about to get a LOT bigger!**


	3. Snowforts, Snowballs, evil plots oh my!

**...o.O I can't think of anything to say except thanks for reviewing and "Dumb and Dumber" is a VERY inspirational movie. X3 Let's see if anyone can catch it in the next chapter. Anyways, keep the reviews coming, I'm glad everyone likes the fic!**

**Oh, and I have to warn everyone that during the next three months I will be VERY VERY busy, BUT I will update whenever I can. o.o Remember, I also have to work on my other fics.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own it...yet.**

* * *

**_In the meadow we can build a snowman  
Then pretend that he is parson brown  
He'll say are you married, we'll say no man  
But you can do the job when you're in town-Winter Wonderland_**

* * *

It was quiet. 

**Way** too quiet for Integra's liking.

The Hellsing looked around her office, narrowing her ice-blue eyes. It was now evening. The sun had gone down. Alucard and Seras would be awake now, if they weren't earlier. So why wasn't she hearing any screams of pain? Any evil cackling? Any sound that would betray the fact that Alucard was doing evil things to various employees because he was over 1000 years old and extremely bored?

What the hell was going on?

"Walter!" She called, leaning back in her chair and lighting a cigar. The butler walked in a minute later, though he looked a little ruffled and water was dripping from his clothes. She raised an eyebrow, inhaling deeply.

"Yes, Sir Integra?" He asked, looking as though nothing was wrong. "What do you need?"

"First question: Why are you sopping wet? Add the second: Where are Alucard and Seras?" Walter grinned at her.

"Well, Miss Victoria and Alucard are the reason for this," He explained and she stared at him. "As you are aware, it has been snowing steadily all day long. And it seems that Miss Victoria has taken a liking to it. She actually awoke Alucard an hour before dawn just to show him. It was actually quite entertaining."

"...That doesn't explain why you're wet."

Walter chuckled and pointed out the window. "Two words: Snowball Fight."

* * *

Seras may be a weak vampire, but she was a killer snowball-er, as Alucard was finding out. There he was, getting hit by snowball after snowball, and he could barely hit her at all! Luckily, when he finally did get a shot, they decided it was time to play another game. Or at least a different way of having a snowball fight/war/battle. 

Building snowforts.

Which was what they were exactly doing as Integra stared, in astonishment,out the window. Both vampires were hard at work making very large, very thick, very snowy snowforts. Every now and then, they'd look up and glare at each other, then smirk. Alucard's was taller than Seras' but looked ready to collapse.

You think a thousand year old vampire would know how to build a decent snowfort! Sheesh!

Seras, on the other hand, was focusing on making big and hard snowballs and putting them in a corner of her snowfort. She had around 50, but there was no way that was going to stop her Master. Even if he wasn't very good at throwing snowballs. Ironic, huh? She giggled softly at her thoughts, thinking about what a good target Alucard's hat was. And to prove it, she aimed a big oneat it when he was working on the south wall of the snowfort.

Alucard blinked when his hat came flying off his head and glared over his shoulder at Seras, who was looking around innocently. "That was a cheap shot!" He shouted, standing up and wiping some of the snow off his hair. "Play fair!"

"No way, Master!" She replied cheerily, grinning. "The only rule in a snowball fight is throwing a snowball. So there."

"This isn't a fight.." He muttered, sitting back in the snow. "This is a freaking war.." He took out his two guns and took out the bullets, getting a brillant idea. Since the only rule was throwing a snowball, what was there to stop him from just..."accidently" rolling up silver bullets in the snowballs? Nothing! "I love loopholes..."

"What was that, Master?" Seras called from her fort, blinking when he started his Oh-My-Gosh-I-Had-An-Evil-Epiphany-Ha-Ha-You're-All-Dead laugh. "What are you up to?"

"Oh, nothing!" He called back, trying to stifle his laugh but failing. "Just thinking about how much joy I am going to get out of burying you in 6 feet of snow!" She also laughed, poking her head out.

"I bet you will, Master! Too bad you won't be able to!"

* * *

"Walter?" 

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

"...Alucard and Seras...are making little snowforts...And snowballs.."

"Yes they are."

"..Walter.."

"Yes, Sir Integra?"

"I think I need a drink...A very strong drink."

* * *

Seras and Alucard had been staring at each other silently for at least ten minutes or more, smirking and chuckling every now and then. Both had completed their forts, had made a good amount of snowballs, and taunted the other cheerfully. Now, they were waiting. For what, you ask? Simple. 

For the other to actually throw one of those snowballs they labored so hard to make. Neither wanted to part with these little balls for some reason. That's why they had started this little staring contest. From an observer's point-of-view, it was quite comical. Seras was sitting on her knees, grinning ear to ear innocently, a snowball in each hand, ready to throw at any given moment. Alucard had on his I'm-Insane-And-Should-Be-In-A-Mental-Insitute-But-I'm-Not-So-Let's-Have-Some-Fun smirk, showing one fang, also having one of his "special" snowballs in each hand. He actually was resting his head on the side of the fort facing Seras, silently taunting her and being the perfect target.

But she wasn't about to fall for that trick. No seasoned snowball pro would. While she hadn't seen snow that much in her lifetime, when she had, it was an all-out brawl between everyone in the neighborhood. Someone had always ended up hurt one way or another, due to a rock in a snowball, or someone actually throwing an iceball. But even so, everyone had always had great fun in the end.

_I feel like a little girl again!_ She thought happily, giggling to herself. In response, Alucard raised an eyebrow in her direction. He hadn't read her thoughts because he thought Seras would probably get onto him about that since this WAS a war/fight/battle. But now he was curious.

_What's so funny, Police Girl?_ He asked, blinking.

_Oh, nothing,_ She replied, still giggling._ Just thinking of how lovely you looked with all that snow piled onto you._ This was a way to get him to throw a snowball. While it normally wasn't very bright to provoke him, sometimes even downright suicidal, she didn't think he would do anything about it other than a snowball in the face or some snow in her coffin, something like that. Besides, she thought they were both having some fun, or Alucard would have quit a while ago.

_I **will** be returning the favor,_ He purred softly in her mind, his smirk actually widening, if that was possible.

_I look forward to seeing you try._ She challenged, setting down a snowball and cracking her knuckles. Alucard started laughing, amused by his usually timid fledgling's bold words.

While this was going on, Integra and Walter were making their way to the roof, bundled up in thick jackets and wearing mittens. Walter had given Integra a shot of old rum he kept in the back of the cabinet, and she had calmed down, because for some reason, Integra just couldn't handle seeing Alucard actually playing in the snow. Especially after all these years of moaning and groaning about how much he hated it. She had quickly downed it and stared out the window very intently.

Apparently, whatever was in that rum was strong, because Integra had suddenly stood up, looked Walter in the eye, and said: "Walter, we must do something."

He had replied,"Do what, Sir Integra?"

This was when a gleam came in her eyes that looked scarily close to the ones Alucard got when he was planning something bad. "Start this war. They're boring just sitting there, and there's no way that either is just going to throw for the hell of it. So, let us go and...help them."

And now there theywere, atop the roof of Hellsing HQ in the freezing cold, preparing to hurl snowballs at two vampires just to see them throw snowballs at each other. Why? Because Integra didn't need that much to get intoxicated. Keep her away fromVicoden and bahama-mamas. The leader of Hellsing didn't LOOK drunk, but she was hacing ideas that a sober person like her wouldn't think about.

"Ready, Walter?" She asked, looking at him as he made two very large snowballs and handed one to her.

"Ready, Sir."

"Ok, then." She looked down, suddenly grinning at her two unsuspecting agents.

"Ready!...Aim!...**FIRE!"**

* * *

**o.o Sorry I keep drawing this out...Oh, someone tell me where the bahama-mama joke came from! n.n You shalt win a cookie! Anyways, you know the drill. Read and Review. Adios!**


	4. Bombs away!

**o.o Anyone ever play "Devil May Cry"? Because if you haven't, I suggest you do...Dante is SOOO gorgeous...-drools over him-**

**-coughs- Anyways, thank you all for the reviews. You know I love em, and I'm so glad this story is doing as good as it is. And also, thanks for being so patient. Life is kinda hectic again...I'll be busy a lot, but I'll try and update all my stories ASAP.**

**And YES, it was Bill Engvall from Comedy Central and Blue Collar Comedy Tour. Kudos and cookies to the people that figured it out. n-n.**

**So enjoy the chapter!**

* * *

_**Later on, we'll conspire  
As we dream by the fire  
To face unafraid  
The plans that we've made  
Walkin' in a winter wonderland-Winter Wonderland**_

* * *

Two things could have happened when Seras and Alucard got hit with those snowballs. One scenario was the two vampires automatically figured out that their Master had thrown the snowballs at them and would have laughed this off. They would all go in and have a nice cup of hot chocolate and/or blood. But if this happened, then there would be no story to write. Plus, it'd be boring and anticlimatic. 

Which was why the OTHER scenario happened.

Almost instantly, the two vampires were throwing as many snowballs as they could at the other as fast as they possibly could. Seras yelped when the silver bullets hit her and GLARED at Alucard. "MASTER! PUTTING BULLETS IN THE SNOWBALLS IS NOT FAIR!"

"IS TOO!" Alucard argued, ignoring the fact that he was becoming increasingly snow colored. "YOU SAID THE ONLY RULE WAS TO THROW A SNOWBALL!"

"THROWING SILVER BULLETS IS LIKE THROWING CROSSES!"

"WHY DO YOU CARE! NEITHER EFFECT YOU!"

"IT'S THE PRINCIPLE OF THE MATTER!"

Needless to say, up on the rooftop, Integra was grinning such a grin that if Alucard wasn't busy being in a snowball war, he'd have been proud. This was, of course, freaking Walter out. And this guy had dealt with zombiefied Nazis. He had decided he was never going to give Integra liquor again, was going to hide his rum in Alucard's coffin, and was never, ever, ever going to tell the head of Hellsing that two vampires were playing in the snow.

Because, for some unknown reason, this set off that little tick in Integra's head that other people get when thinking about something that is very wrong, in more than one way. Like a fat guy in a ballerina suit wrong.

"Now this is more like it," Integra said, watching them and had the sudden urge to cackle evilly. "This is how a snow war should be."

"Do you think this was such a good idea?" Walter asked, also watching them and smiling on the inside.

"Of course, Walter!" She replied, looking at him and crossing her arms. "Why wouldn't it be?"

He shrugged, sweatdropping slightly as Alucard's snowfort came crashing onto him. Seras was laughing very hard at this. "This just cannot end very well..."

"Lighten up, and hand me another snowball."

* * *

Well, it was official: Alucard could not, in fact, make a decent snowfort. All it took was a few well-aimed snowballs from Seras, and it came crashing down. The vampire hadn't seen it coming until it was actually on top of him and pressing him into the ground. Seras was rolling on the ground, laughing, tears almost streaming out of her face. And while Alucard was sitting there thinking about what just happened, she took this time to try and pull herself together. 

"M-Master!" She giggled, standing up and walking over to the large pile of snow, holding her sides and a snowball. "Do you..hehehe...give up?" There was a muffled reply, and she had to supress a giggle. "What was that?"

_I SAID THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET IT!_ He mentally shouted at her, and she burst out laughing again. She could tell he was angry, though not the homicial-kill-everyone-like-the-judas-priest anger. He was angry at the fact that she was actually better than him at something, even if it was a simple snowball fight.

She grinned and waited until Alucard's head poked out of the snow before tackling him, hard. He hadn't seen it coming, and both ended up tumbling around on the ground before stopping; Seras on top looking truimphant while Alucard was on the bottom and glaring at her.

"You think you're so good..." He growled at her and recieved only a giggle. "You think that just because you made my stupid snow thing fall, you won a stupid little snowball fight..." Again, a giggle. "...Stupid snow..."

"Aw come on, Master!" Seras replied, grinning. "Admit it! You had some fun!" Alucard sat up, still glaring at her. Both were ignoring the fact that Seras was sitting in his lap. His I-Hate-You-Stop-Smiling-Like-That-At-Me-Because-It-Bugs-Me-But-I-Won't-Admit-It glare had no effect on her Ha-Ha-Ha-Ha-I-Now-Have-A-Smirk-To-Call-My-Own-And-You-Can't-Do-Anything-About-It smirk.

"...Alright. I'll admit it. I had...a little...bit of fun," He answered, crossing his arms. "But I still hate sn-" Before he could finish, from out of nowhere, a snowball, a BIG one, slammed into his face, making him fall back in the snow. Seras blinked and turned her head, only to also get a face-full of snow and fell on top of her Master.

"HA! WE GOT THEM!" Was the faint cry the pair of vampires heard. And this voice was very, very familiar. It soundly suspiciously like...

Alucard saw straight up, glaring daggers at the roof, one of his eyes twitching. "MASTER!" He shouted, getting on his feet while Seras clung to his chest. trying to figure out what just happened. "WHY ARE YOU-" Again, he got hit by a snowball, this one a lot bigger than the last one.

"Hand me another, Walter!" Sir Hellsing commanded, laughing like a small, yet slightly drunken child. He did, laughing in spite of himself. "BOMBS AWAY!"

* * *

The war between the vampires and their master lasted a few hours, until Integra suddenly got tired and left poor Walter on his own againist them. He did pretty well, but no one was very dry when it was all said and done. Seras had just finished a hot shower, smiling all the while to herself as she dried her hair. 

_It's been so long since I had that much fun..._ She thought, putting on some PJ's and sipping her pack of blood. She remembered her Master covered in snow and nearly choked on the blood, trying not to giggle. Alucard had left her when they came in, swearing revenge on his Master, though Seras warned him that it wouldn't end well. That had been a half hour ago, and so far, there hadn't been any gun shots or screams of pain.

She finished the blood and yawned. It had been a long and fun-filled night, but now she was tired. And she was about to climb into her coffin when Alucard walked through the wall, still dripping wet. She smiled at him, putting a hand over her mouth to not laugh. "Sir Hellsing knew I would come for revenge..." he began, coughing slightly. "...And she threw more snowballs at me..."

That was it; Seras couldn't hold it in anymore and started laughing. Hard. So hard that she ended up rolling around on the cold floor of her room. Alucard glared at her at first but then he started laughing also. There was no harshness or cruelty in it, just a normal laugh. Well, as normal as the vampire could get.

They laughed for a while before Alucard helped her up, both smiling. Their eyes locked for a moment, and Seras suddenly blushed, feeling a little self-conscience. "...Thanks for coming out with me, Master," She said, looking away. "I know you didn't have to...But...it meant a lot to me."

He shrugged, still smiling. "I'll get you back, Police Girl," He said. "That's a promise."

"I look forward to it, Master," She replied, smiling back at him. "I'll be rea-" Before she could finish, Alucard stooped down and kissedher very gently on the lips. She shut up instantly and stood there, staring at him wide-eyed. He smirked and poked her forehead.

"There," He said simply. "That's my revenge." Seras' thoughts were going in slow motion as he smiled then. "Have a good night, Police Girl." As he walked through the wall, Seras put her hand up to her lips, touching them gently, still feeling his. And she just smiled.

* * *

**That's the end!...Well...Maybe...I have one more idea for this...Would you all want me to do it? It would be pure comedy...And I was wondering if any of my fans of "Dreams" would like it if I did a sequel to it! If you do, just say so and I'll try to make it happen. I have some ideas.**

**Ok, was it good, was it bad, does Relics deserve a cookie? n-n I hope so. Read and review, I love you all! Adios!**


	5. Extra: Frost

**Since everyone asked for it, this is the bonus chapter of Winter Wonderland. It has nothing to do with it; It just has snow, and it's pure comedy! XD! And if you like this fic, I'll be doing a fic called _Heatwave _so be on the watch for that.**

**If anyone has any other ideas for these little nonsense chapters IE sledding, etc. then please speak up. I'd love to hear what everyone wants to read!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing or Dumb and Dumber.**

* * *

Integra was calmly doing some random paperwork when Seras burst into her office. The woman looked up, a little surprised and miffed at the sudden intrusion. Then she noticed that the Police Girl looked a little distressed. She was panting, her hair was ruffled, her clothes wrinkled and wet. 

"Ha..Ma...Master.." She panted, putting her hands on her knees. "He..Master...Ha...Pant..."

Integra arched an eyebrow. This couldn't be good, for many reasons. Seras was out of breath, Alucard was nowhere in sight, and it was snowing outside. She calmly lit a cigar and inhaled deeply, waiting for Seras to compose herself. "Seras?"

"Ye..ha...Yes?"

"Breath. Technically, you don't need to, but it'd be best if you caught your breath." The vampiress nodded, finally catching it and standing up straight. "Now. Tell what Alucard has gotten himself into."

"Well...You see...We were outside, right?"

A nod.

"And we were going to play around in the snow, right?"

A slight eye twitch and another nod.

"And..Master...he...uh..."

"Spit it out, Police Girl."

She sweatdropped. "..Master...He got his tongue stuck to a pole."

* * *

There are some things that just don't make sense. 

Chia Pets...Tamagotchis...Spam...

But in all his years, this was a first for Walter. He had to take off his monocle to make sure that he was not imagining this. He rubbed his other eye and nodded his head.

Yes.

He was not imagining this.

Alucard was, in fact, stuck to a pole. The vampire's back was to him, hsi face extremely close to the pole, sitting on his knees, whimpering. Every time he tried to pull back from the pole, he would yelp and only get stuck even more.

Walter arched an eyebrow. "...Would you care to explain, Alucard?" He asked the vampire, who visibly twitched.

"'HUT 'P! 'OT 'UNNY!" Alucard tried to say, but he had no use of his tongue.

Because it was stuck to the pole.

The night had started out alright; Seras was happy the snow was still out and Alucard had been in a good mood. They were just going out to enjoy the snow. Then, Seras started talking about how she missed going outside as a child and catching the snowflakes in her mouth. She couldn't even taste it now. So, as a joke, Alucard licked one of the poles.

Which would have been funny by itself if it wasn't for the fact that this certain pole was covered in frost. And Alucard's tongue was dry.

Seras had gotten Walter and Sir Integra, leaving Alucard extremely upset and in a humilating position.

This leaves one to wonder why Alucard, who has all kinds of power and has proved time and time again not to be trifled with, couldn't get his tongue away from the pole. Well, the first fact was that it was nearly literally glued to it.

The second was the fact that it really, really, really, really hurt.

The third was that Alucard had never been in this situation before and didn't know how to get himself out.

Walter couldn't stop chuckling softly, though he was a little wary. The vampire was still dangerous. Though, one wouldn't think it. "Alucard, why don't you just...phase out of the pole?"

"I 'IED!" He snapped (or blubbered). " 'I 'AN'T 'O 'I!" Translation: I can't do it.

"And why not?"

_BECAUSE WHEN I DO, THE POLE COMES WITH ME!_ He shouted in Walter's head, growling on the outside. Walter's eye twitched slightly at the furious voice in his mind but shrugged it off.

"Well, well, well..." A new voice said. Walter looked over his shoulder while Alucard paled and started struggling violently againist his steely captor. The only thing is succeeded in was a very loud ripping sound and some broken curses from the poor vampire. "Look who we have here."

Integra was grinning a little evilly, chuckling as she watched her usually suave servant try desperately to get away. "Well, Alucard?" She said expectantly. "What do you have to say for yourself?"

Silence. Seras, who was behind the taller blonde, looked from one Master, to the other.

"How does it feel tobe a fly in a trap?" Integra continued, circling Alucard. "Do you like it? Do you like actually getting into a situation because of your constant joking?"

Again, silence. Though both Walter and Seras could hear an extremely soft growl.

"Well? How are you going to get out of this one? Huh? What do you have to say?"

_Well, Master? Would really know what I say? Because if you want the truth, I think you're a-_

**WHAM!**

Before either of the onlookers could move or realize what was happening, Integra had kicked Alucard's head into the pole. Hard. It suprised Alucard so much that he pulled his head back a lot harder than he had been. This time, the ripping sound was extremely loud.

And so was Alucard's scream of pain.

"Ummm...Sir Integra?" Seras piped up, watching as her Master was rolling around on the snow, cursing in three different languages. "...You did know that we could have just used hot water...Right?"

"Yes, Seras," Integra replied calmly. "But I like this way better."

* * *

Seras had to cover her mouth and fight back a giggle the next day when she passed by Alucard in the basement. He caught the sound and turned, glaring at daggers at her. 

" 'Hut up, Polish Gir'," He snarled, his tongue hanging out of his mouth.

* * *

**o-o I actually updated a story quickly...Wow. A new record. I hope everyone enjoys this. Like I said, there may be war...DO I hear Hellsing VS the Iscariot Section XIII? n-n Possibly. Until we meet again! Adios!**


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